Understanding Shame
Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
By Michelle Velan, Founder of Wondersource
“If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.” – Brené Brown
After a recent therapy session, I uncovered something powerful: my wounded inner child was still in some capacity holding onto the belief that I needed to be successful to feel worthy of love. And beneath that belief, was shame. This wasn’t a new concept for me—I’ve been observing my inner child and working on healing them and all my limiting beliefs for years, exploring my life from different angles with curiosity. I thought I had moved past most of it. In many ways, I feel a deep sense of peace, contentment, wholeness, gratitude, acceptance, love, confidence and excitement about life and where I’m heading, but that’s the nature of healing. It’s a continuous journey, with layers unfolding as we dig deeper.
Being the proactive and curious person I am, I came home and started to get curious about what was going on within and offering compassion to the parts of me that had carried shame for so long. I took the shame outside of my body to create distance and imagined it as a cute little monster. I told it that it is wonderful, magnificent, worthy and lovable as is and that nothing would ever change that. I reminded myself that holding onto shame wasn’t helping me—or anyone else—and that it was time to let go. I then did some tapping on the feeling of shame, and it was like a weight lifted from me.
I realized I hadn’t really explored shame in recent years, so I decided to revisit what I knew about it. Shame is often at the root of many struggles—especially issues like suicide, low confidence, well-being and success—and we don’t always recognize when it’s at work or that it’s not serving us or anyone else and that we can intentionally release it.
What I’ve come to appreciate about healing is that it takes real work and a willingness to be honest with ourselves and sit through a lot of difficult feelings, yet the results are far greater than we expect. In my experience, true healing comes from sitting with the scared and wounded parts of ourselves, acknowledging emotions like shame, fear, and the subconscious stories we carry about who we are and how life "should" be. The real transformation happens when we meet those parts with love and compassion from our mature, adult self, and replace limiting beliefs with empowering ones—over and over again.
Whether through self-compassion, the guidance of a therapist, or the support of a trusted loved one, the consistent act of witnessing and loving those parts creates deep shifts. It’s about telling those parts new stories: Who you are is amazing, you are worthy exactly as you are, your needs matter, you are good enough, I love you, I am here for you and I will always love you, you can do this, you are meant for an amazing life, there is nothing wrong or nothing missing, you are whole and complete exactly as you are, you are safe.
I've even grown to appreciate the experiences that trigger in me my heavier emotions and limiting stories as they serve as an activator for me to dig deeper and heal. I now understand that each time I do, I'm releasing something that I no longer need to hold on to and wasn’t fully processed in the past. By clearing it out of my system, I make space for more empowering thoughts, beliefs, and emotions and an overall healthier self. And with every layer of healing I uncover, I come out feeling stronger, happier, lighter, and more authentic, grateful, loving and empowered.
Later that week, I caught up with a close friend, someone with whom I usually talk about everything. But I realized we had never actually named or shared our shames. In the conversation, I mentioned something I was currently feeling ashamed about, and she was genuinely surprised that I’d feel shame around it. We talked through it, and afterward, I felt lighter. I giggled and said, “I can’t believe we’ve never gone over our shames before. Should we list them out to each other, give them love, and let them go?” She laughed and said, “My list would be so long.” I felt the same.
That conversation sparked something in me. It reminded me that so many of us carry shame quietly, thinking we’re the only ones. “Don’t let anyone know because if they did I would truly be unloveable or unworthy.” And that’s why I felt compelled to write this—so we can all feel a little less alone in our shame wherever we are on our journey.
To be clear, we all have some internal, mild shame that is uncomfortable. This is nature's way of helping us rein in our impulses so we can stay safe, live well with others, and reach our goals. But when it is holding you back from living with more love, peace, joy and compassion and keeping you small, it’s time to dig deeper and offer yourself some more love and compassion.
Shame is often Causing us to Feel Unloveable or Unworthy
Shame has a terrible way of shaping how we view ourselves and interact with the world. It keeps us small, invisible, and inauthentic. It convinces us that staying hidden is safer, urging us to stay quiet and keep our true selves out of sight. Shame doesn’t want us to shine or step into the light of who we really are. Instead, it lets us know that being free, happy, and full of joy isn’t for us. It tricks us into thinking we aren’t good enough, making sure we stay hidden behind a mask of inauthenticity.
Shame convinces us that if others see who we really are beneath the surface, they’ll judge us. Shame creates a heavy burden that weighs down our self-worth, dictating how we show up in our relationships, at work, and in life.
Where Shame Begins
Shame often takes root in our earliest experiences, usually in childhood, when we begin to internalise messages about who we are and how the world works. It can develop when we feel that it’s unsafe to be ourselves, especially in environments where our authentic selves are unwelcome or misunderstood. Shame can also arise when we witness our families or loved ones struggling with their own sense of identity or self-worth. Shame is passed down from generation to generation until it is given love and empathy and healed.
The Effects of Shame
Shame is at the heart of many issues we face. It affects our ability to connect deeply with others, creates barriers in our relationships, and prevents us from letting ourselves be seen and going after what we truly want. It can cause us to feel stuck in our careers, hesitant to take risks or pursue new opportunities. Shame also stifles our capacity for authentic friendships, leaving us feeling disconnected and isolated.
But the most damaging effect of shame is that it makes us feel alone. Shame thrives on secrecy, convincing us that no one else could possibly understand our experience. It’s a lie though–we all can relate to shame.
How to Heal from Shame
The good news is that shame doesn’t have to control us forever. The key to breaking free from shame is to bring it into the light. To integrate it, we must first accept it all. Accept what we believe to be “good” or “bad” in ourselves or anyone. Shame cannot survive when it’s exposed to empathy, love, and acceptance. Bit by bit, as we witness and give our shame acceptance and love, we begin to heal.
Talk to a Loved One: One powerful way to work through shame is by sharing it with trusted loved ones. When we speak our shame out loud, it loses its grip on us. The act of sharing brings us closer to others, allowing us to experience connection rather than isolation. And it frees us.
Forgive Yourself and Others and Take Responsibility for Your Life: You didn’t deserve any of the negative experiences you went through in life and you are perfect exactly as you are, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take responsibility for our lives, heal our little selves and commit to being more compassionate, less judgemental and making decisions for ourselves that will make us proud. Without taking responsibility, we stay victims and we can’t move forward. Be honest with yourself and what you’re holding on to, forgive yourself for what you did before you knew better and extend that same forgiveness to others where it feels right to.
Inner Work: Healing from shame doesn’t always have to start with others. It can begin with ourselves. Imagine the past versions of you who experienced shame, take them outside of your body and imagine yourself giving them a hug and telling them what they may need to hear to feel accepted and loved. By having gentle, loving conversations with ourselves about our shame, we open the door to healing. Offering ourselves empathy, presence, love, playfulness and compassion over and over is a crucial first step in releasing shame’s hold on us.
Recognise Shame for What it Is: It also helps to recognize shame for what it really is—just another way our ego tries to keep us safe and in our comfort zone. When we grow, expand, and take risks, we’re stepping into uncertainty. Even though we're evolving into our higher selves, this process can feel unsafe because it’s unfamiliar. And our ego doesn’t like change. Shame acts as a barrier to that growth. When we feel it, we instinctively want to hide. We shy away from being seen, from taking risks, and from stepping into our full potential. Shame keeps us small, but recognizing it as part of our ego’s defense mechanism can help us break free.
Guided Meditations and Tapping: Both of these methods can be incredibly healing and create the space for you to witness the shame and release it with love.
Cultivate Self-Compassion: The more we talk to ourselves with compassion, the lighter and more joyful life becomes. From lowering stress hormones to boosting mental and physical health, there are countless benefits to developing and committing to be self-compassionate.
Process to Release Shame from The Secret Language of your Body: Place your hands on a part of your body that you feel shame most intensely. Breathe into that area for a few moments, allowing any emotions to rise to the surface. Relax your hands and your body. Say: “Divine Healing Intelligence, using the orange-red sword of light, cut me loose from all shackles of shame, embarrassment, humiliation, disgrace and dishonor that bind me. Please help me release and dissolve all self-consciousness, self-doubt, feelings of insecurity and intimidation. Allow me to forgive all those who have shamed me and to be forgiven by all those while I have shamed. Help me recover my self-worth, self-belief, and self-respect so that I can truly live my life with integrity and honour. Thank you.” Repeat the word CLEAR several times until you feel lighter. Observe the orange-red light moving through your body, mind, emotions and energy field to cut through and dissolve all negative thoughts, words, feelings, memories and images of shame, embarrassment, disgrace and humiliation.
Empathy, Not Perfection
It’s important to understand that shame can’t be eliminated by striving for perfection. “If only I become that successful, then it will cancel out my shameful experiences or then I will feel worthy of love and acceptance.” We don’t heal shame by becoming “better” versions of ourselves or by doing more to prove our worth. Shame is only healed through connection—through empathy, love, and acceptance, both from others and from ourselves.
Final Thoughts
Shame is something we all feel, though some unfairly carry more than others, yet it often convinces us we’re completely alone. True healing and connection begin when we can safely and vulnerably acknowledge that we’ve all experienced some form of shame or feelings of low self worth or being unloveable that are associated with it. It’s in that shared understanding that we can find empathy and love—both for ourselves and others.
To release shame’s grip, we need to bring it into the light. We need to let it be seen and shower it with empathy and acceptance, little by little. Sharing our shame with trusted loved ones is one powerful way to begin, but the journey can begin with ourselves, by showing love and tenderness toward the parts of us that carry shame.
Here’s to embracing every part of yourself and recognizing that, no matter what your mind tells you or what you’ve experienced in the past, you are worthy of all the goodness life has to offer, exactly as you are. You are loveable right now. Healing is possible, and you are just as deserving of love, acceptance, success, joy, and connection as anyone else on this planet.
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